About me - 42 things I love ....

To kick start my journey of self discovery I have spent the last week or so since my birthday contemplating my likes and dislikes. This was quite difficult initially. I set myself a goal to make a list of 42 things (for 42 years) I love. Nothing hectic or philosophical just silly everyday things and places (not people - I will get to that later) that tickle my fancy. Wow I was amazed (and sometimes even shocked) at times. I would, totally out of the blue, remember old favourites or recall long forgotten memories when I was least expecting it.

Here is my "42 things I love" list in no particular order; I just jotted things down as they came to mind -

1. Sushi


2. Long stemmed red roses


3. Frogs


4. Dark Albany chocolate (especially Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher)


5. Books


6. Sudoku puzzles


7. Reading - books, blogs ...


8. Numbers & calculations


9. Bird watching


10. St Joseph's Lilies


11. Pater Noster & Tietiesbaai


12. Blogging


13. Wimpy Coffee


14. Candy floss


15. Surprises


16. Lists


17. St Lucia


18. Starfish


19. Cafe Latte


20. Meringues especially pavlova


21. Prawns


22. Hiking


23. Sherbet


24. Scrapbooking


25. The Boomhuisie restaurant (Kallie and I frequented this quaint little restaurant and also celebrated our wedding reception there)


26. Photography (I am such an amateur and will probably never reach Jeanette's standards in my life time yet I get such a kick out of it if I happen to take a special photograph.)


27. Notebooks (I am always making notes and lists in multiple notebooks at the same time, a habit that used to frustrate Kallie no end as I was always looking for the one specific notebook that contained the information I needed.)


28. Organisation


29. Four Cousins Rose wine


30. Camping


31. "Godincidences"


32. Tidy cupboards and drawers


33. Cream Soda float


34. Belly laughs


35. Candlelight


36. Giving the perfect gift


37. Detail detail detail (The saying goes that "the devil is in the detail" and I have learnt that it is always the small, seemingly insignificant, little things that count the most!)


38. Chick Flicks


39. Television series on DVD so I don't have to wait a week to see the next episode.


40. Symbolism (I firmly believe there is more to life than meets the eye.)


41. Music (No specific preference as long as it is not heavy metal.)


42. Art that speaks to me - Beauty is after all in the eye of the beholder

My next challenge is now to see how many of these favourite things I can enjoy in the next 3 months. I will keep you posted.

Journey of self discovery ...

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Lao Tzu

Things have finally settled down enough to allow me to start thinking about and processing all that has happened in the last two years of my life since Kallie fell ill. I have realised that we have been on one hellluva rollercoaster ride since his first heart attack on the 2nd of July 2007. My prime focus during this time was his illness, especially towards the end when the heart transplant was becoming a reality. I became a student of heart disease (and might I say a damn good one at that). I am able to recite the long list of medication he took by heart down to the very last milligram without missing a beat. Yet I have come to realise that I have lost a big part of myself along the way. Ask me about heart surgery, heart transplants and organ donation but don't ask me my favourite colour. I am in the extremely fortunate position that I am able to spend time with and amazing psychologist who is slowly helping me process and come to grips with all that has happened. I am on a journey towards finding "me" again and S is gently illuminating the way....

I celebrated my 42nd birthday on the 22nd of July. Although I was still sick at home with bronchitis it turned out to be a really special day, sad but special. Old friends that I had not heard from in years phoned and sent SMS's. New friends, who I met for the first time when they reached out to me at church the Sunday after Kallie's death, dropped by with flowers and gifts.

My dear friend Sam travelled all the way to Krugersdorp to spoil me with the most gorgeous birthday cake. Before Kallie passed away I always joked that all I wanted for my birthday was a new heart. She made this gorgeous and DELICIOUS heart shaped chocolate cake decorated with a green bow. (Green was Kallie's favourite colour). I am so blessed to have such a thoughtful friend!!

Happy birthday Chave...

Tuesday the 14th of July is a very special day, for a very special little girl! Kallie's youngest sister Marelize's little girl, Chave, is turning ONE that day.

It feels like yesterday when we went to visit Marelize at Garden City clinic straight after Chave was born and Kallie commented that she was still "very fresh".

Kallie's other sister, Carlien took these awesome photographs just before Kallie passed away. Isn't she the cutest thing? It is so nice to have a little rose among all the thorns to buy pink and frills for!!!

Friends ...

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have Forgotten the words."

Unknown

The love of a friend comes in many shapes and sizes, sometimes loud sometimes quiet It is in the little things, the big things. It is chocolate cup cakes, sago pudding, laughing, crying, sharing, talking, listening and silence. It is a specially chosen pot plant with dark purple flowers where the edges of the petals grow lighter at the ends to symbolise that your grief will too, with time subside. It is spoiling the kids with fluffy fun blankets to wrap them up snuggly, just like the thoughts and prayers of friends wrap around the broken pieces of your heart snuggly.

The Gift of Life...

I have been planning to publish a post about organ donation for a long time, even since before Kallie passed away. I have however just not found the right words. I have researched the topic extensively, asked a lot of questions from a lot of people, yet it never seemed the right time. I then stumbled upon the following on the Organ Donor Foundation of South Africa's Website and there it was - exactly what I wanted to say.
I can only ask that you to read this carefully, maybe even more than once and to let this speak to your heart. The man I still love with all my heart and soul "lay upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying." He had a heart that had "caused nothing but endless days of pain." He ran out of time, waiting for the ultimate gift, the gift of life ...

Lifelong Wish - Robert Test

"The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.
When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of machines, and don't call this my death-bed. Let it be called the Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. Give my sight to the man who has never seen sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, that he might live to see his grandchildren play. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk. Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that, someday, a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her windows. Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers to grow. If you must bury something, let it be my fault, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow men. Give my sins to the devil. Give my soul to God. If by chance you wish to remember me, do it in a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all that I have asked, I will live forever."

MAD not angry ...

The last thought I left everyone at Kallie's funeral with was the following: "Do not let Kallie's death make you angry, rather MAD - Making a difference.”

Today I am finding it especially hard to "practice what I preach". Today would have been my late Dad's 72nd birthday. I feel engulfed by a sense of loss, as if I am drowning in sorrow. My heart is breaking. At times I feel as if I am going to shrivel up and die.

Then I am reminded of God's promises:

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
(Hebrews 13:5)
"Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
(Matthew 28:20)
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8)

I am determined that Kallie's death will not be in vain. I want to make sure that each and everything about the man he was will somehow make a difference somewhere. I want to ensure that his legacy will live forever. Kallie's Father died when he was only seven years old. It really bugged him immensely that he could not really remember much about his Dad. I don't want that to be the case for his sons. My sisters-in-law and I are busy gathering photographs, memorabilia and most importantly anecdotes from all the people who knew and loved Kallie to put together memory books for his sons.

Today I want to pay tribute to two incredible fathers, two very special daddies...

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a daddy."
~Author Unknown

What can I say ...

Yesterday was Kallie's funeral service. The 7th of the 7th Month.

7 the number of spiritual perfection:
Seven days in a week.
Seven colours in the spectrum.
Seven of the 10 commandments begin with the word "not."
There are 7 seals, 7 trumpets, 7 parables in Matthew, and 7 promises to the churches.
There are 7 "eternals" in Hebrews which are: A priest for ever (1:6); Eternal salvation (1:9); Eternal judgment (6:2); Eternal redemption (9:12); Eternal spirit (9:14); Eternal inheritance (9:15); and everlasting covenant (13:20).
Jesus said 7 things on the cross: 1) Luke 23:34 "Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots; 2) Luke 23:43 Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise"; 3) Matthew 27:46 About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" -- which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"; 4) John 19:26 "When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son"; 5) John 19:28 "Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." 6) John 19:30 "When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit"; and 7) Luke 23:46 "Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When he had said this, he breathed his last."
"Hallelujah" occurs 28 times or 4 x 7.
"Hosanna" occurs 7 times.
"Milk" occurs 49 times or 7 x 7.
"Abaddon" occurs 7 times.
"After the order of Melchizedek" occurs 7 times
I am trying hard to believe that Kallie's death was indeed that - Spiritual Perfection, perfect timing. Yet today it doesn't feel that way. I feel numb. After all the activity and organising of the days since his death on Thursday 2 July, everything suddenly feels empty. I am like a robot going through the motions - talking, smiling, and reassuring everybody that I am okay. I am trying very hard not to think, because I am petrified that if I allow myself to think about what has happened long enough I will not be able to carry on.
When our pastor, Pastor G came to see me on Thursday after Kallie died, he briefly explained the basic options for a funeral service to allow me time to think about it, before I saw him on Friday morning to make final arrangements. In doing so, he said that he felt that it was Kallie's special day. It really touched my heart and I wanted nothing more but make it just that, Kallie's special day. Furthermore I felt compelled to also use this opportunity to raise awareness around organ donation. To me it is something I cannot comprehend – how can anyone hang on to that, which they no longer need when they die, when they have an opportunity to change the lives of up to 26 people?
It was a special day, his very special day. I felt a supernatural peace and was intensely aware of all the prayers that were being sent heavenwards on my behalf. It was also a terribly sad day, the last time I could really do anything special for the man I still love with all my heart and soul. Kallie would have celebrated his 40th birthday on the 27th of August later this year. I have already been planning a surprise party in my head and I had decided that, no matter what, I was somehow going to buy him Renier's staircase painting, which I wrote about earlier, as a birthday present. On Thursday evening I phoned Renier, not only to share my sad news with him and Lizette, but also to ask him to keep the painting for me. I may now have to climb the staircase of life alone, but I know Kallie is waiting for me at the top …
On Monday evening, while I was talking to my brother, who assisted me with all the arrangements, he mentioned something amazing - August is Organ Donor Awareness month. As I have said before I do not believe in coincidence or fate, this was just one more "Godincidence" on my journey. This is also another opportunity not only to honour Kallie’s memory but to play a small part in giving someone out there, a second chance – the ultimate gift, the gift of life …

To the love of my life ...

Tuesday the 30th of June as I was driving home from work, I had an uncontrollable urge to write a letter to Kallie. I whipped out a note book and wrote the following with the book perched on my steering wheel. When I got home I was in two minds whether I should give it to him or not. In the end I personally read it to him. With tears streaming down his face he looked at me and softly said: “You finally understand …”
I am so thankful that God allowed me the privilege of sharing this with him.

“Even though I had no idea what “for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” would entail when we took our vows two and a half years ago, I have come to realise that I really meant every word and that, that is a promise I intend keeping till death do us part. There is nowhere in the world I would rather be because that would mean being without you.
I love you more deeply, and admire the man you are more intensely than the day we met. I have come to realise that you love me with your whole being despite the fact that, due to circumstances you may not always be in a position to express that love in the manner I require.
You are strong and brave and I am so proud of you for time and time again battling your own inner demons of negativity and fear, and standing up when life knocks you down. I admire your courage for fearlessly facing this life changing challenge head on.
I know now that when you withdraw from me or claim you no longer want me to be part of your life, it is your way of trying to protect me from this ordeal we are facing, yet there is no doubt in my mind that my place is right beside you. This is all in God’s plan for our lives. Faith cannot make our hurt less but it will sustain us through this.
Please take my hand and allow me to climb the stairs with you, one step at a time so that we can reach the top together having received not only a physical heart, but new tender and responsive spiritual hearts.

ILUWAMHASFAE "

30 June 2009

Beauty from ashes ...

It is now 7:45, Friday the 3rd of July.

"To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."

Isaiah 61:2-3

Tim and Yvette lost their little 11 day old baby boy, Jason about six months ago. What follows is Yvette's testimony that the heartbreaking story did not end with Jason's death. I have copied her e-mail word for word. This story has changed my life. Open your hearts as you continue reading, for little Jason did not die in vain. This is a story of God's faithfullness to give those who mourn beauty from ashes as He promises in Isaiah 61:2-3 quoted above.
To many of you, it will come as a surprise that it has already been 6 months since Jason’s death. For me, in some ways, those crazy, roller coaster, hope-and-dread-filled 11 days that he spent in ICU are as clear in my mind as if they happened yesterday. In other ways, it feels like a lifetime ago…

"It has been on my mind for several weeks now to write to everyone again who shared with us in the joy of his birth and the heartbreak of his death because I want to tell you that that is not where the story ends. We so often hear bad news reported, but somehow good news doesn’t seem to be newsworthy – so I want to share with you the good that I have experienced as a direct result of Jason’s short life.

Following Jason’s death, both Tim and I immediately accepted that we will never understand why it had to happen that way. We continue to believe that God is good. He is faithful and just and He allows both good and bad into our lives – and we can trust Him with both. He has a purpose for our pain, and we made a choice to try to become better people rather than bitter people through this experience. We also had to accept that although our faith provides us with strength and comfort – it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

My heartache at losing Jason has taught me so much about myself, my relationship with God and about His nature, that although it will always be a pain I carry with me, I can actually thank God now for the experience and for using it to teach me the things He needed me to know. I want to submit to the plan He has for me and to walk through it in a way that brings Him glory – in a way that shows what it means to trust Him in the midst of sorrow and difficulty and disappointment. This submission has meant a quiet, though sorrowful acceptance of God’s plan and God’s timing. It has meant giving up the plans I had for my son, for my family, for my life, and bringing them all under submission to Him. It’s an ongoing decision to submit every day as I let go of my hopes and dreams; and it’s not always an easy decision - as I think about what Jason would have been doing by now, as I see and interact with other babies, as I face questions about whether I have other children…

Maybe part of the purpose of my pain is to give me a proper perspective about life on earth – and the life after. I had intended staying at home to care for Jason, and decided not return to work following his death. I have appreciated having the opportunity to take the time to process my grief in the best way I know how. I consciously pulled the plug on my always-hectic lifestyle, spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying, and had a good, hard re-think of what’s really important in my life and what deserves the best of my time and attention. Not surprisingly in many ways, I found that lots of what kept me “running” previously is actually insignificant when it comes right down to it. I realised that unless God is my no.1 passion, my attitude needs to change and my priorities definitely need to adjust. A few weeks ago, our pastor spoke about how our crazy lifestyle (especially in places like Jo’burg) steals from our love for God – that busyness has become an idol in many people’s lives. I could immediately identify with that because before Jason’s death stopped me in my tracks, that was me!

I have learnt that we need to hold onto the things of this world loosely – however precious as they are to us – and focus our attention on our eternal investments. Previously, heaven was a sort of abstract concept to me, now I have a very real sense of how awesome spending eternity in God’s presence is going to be, and I have a yearning to be there that I didn’t feel before Jason. With that in mind, I know that all of life’s struggles and trials are more than worth it!

God has also opened doors for me to share His love in ways that I never would have believed previously. My grief has given me an insight into other people’s struggles – not only in grief, but also those questioning God’s love and goodness in a world that seems to be in chaos, and those battling with various personal issues. Maybe it’s just because I have slowed down enough to really listen to other people now, or maybe they are more prepared to share their pain with me because they know I’m also hurting. People have either questioned me directly how I can still believe God is good and has my best interests at heart, in spite of what has happened, or they have subtly given me an opportunity to share with them what I have learnt through my experience. Just like we want to talk about a friend whose presence and influence has had an impact on our life, I can now be spontaneous and find it easy to tell what He has done for me. I have a boldness that I never used to have to share my joy of experiencing firsthand God’s love and support and healing – and I no longer worry about treading on toes of those who don’t share my faith, because I don’t feel I am preaching to them about religion, I am simply sharing my personal experience, which no-one can deny is real.

So you see, the good news is that God brought me to a crossroads through Jason’s death. I either had to carry on rushing down a path that would ultimately lead to hopelessness and bitterness, or allow Him to gently lead me down the path of peace. I chose the path of peace because I want to be a trophy of His grace and restoration, and to touch the world in ways I never imagined. True to His amazing nature, while following that path, I have found Him to be more loving and faithful than I’ve ever seen Him before! I believe God will create beauty out of the ashes of my dream.

Having told you the good that I have found through our pain, I won’t try to fool anyone by telling you that I am coping “just fine”. I still have times when the memories and the feeling of loss overwhelm me, but in my weakest times, I have felt a strength to go on that I know is not my own. I really have felt the “peace that passes all understanding” that He promises to give us. So please continue to pray for our family – that we will continue to feel God’s love and comfort in a very real way and be able to face the challenges of each day in His strength.

With love
Yvette"

My heart is breaking ...

It is now 1:45 in the morning, Friday 3 July as I am writing this. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I lost my soul mate and the love of my life. The man I wanted to be with until we turned 80 passed away before even celebrating his 40th birthday.

Kallie had the angiogram and blood work up that would enable him to be placed on the heart transplant list late on Wednesday evening. We were relieved and elated that Dr C confirmed that although he desperately needed a new heart he did qualify to be put on the list. Kallie was due to spend the night in hospital and be discharged yesterday morning. When I phoned to enquire when I could pick him up, I was informed that he had been transferred to ICU as the oedema (water retention) due to the end stage heart failure was worse and they needed to insert a line in his neck in order to treat him with diuretic medicine. When I arrived at Milpark hospital there was a mix up as to where he was taken and after being sent to and thro I eventually located him. I was informed that Dr C was busy inserting the line and I could see him as soon as Dr C was finished. After waiting in the waiting area for a while, I became worried and went to enquire if it would still take long. The sister told me that they were just taking a X-ray to check the line and then I could see him. While I was waiting the sister in charge of the Cardiac Care Unit at Milpark came to talk to me. Sister Elize explained that Kallie was extremely tired and battling to breathe and that they were going to put him on a ventilator to help him breathe so that he would be more comfortable. The next minute things went crazy. I heard a nurse answer the telephone at the nursing station where I was sitting, saying that she couldn’t speak as they had a crisis and were resuscitating a patient. I walked out to call my sister-in-law to tell her that they were placing Kallie on a ventilator. I was still talking to Carlien when one of the sisters came to call me. Dr C wanted to speak to me. He said that he didn’t think Kallie was going to make it. I felt numb and in a total state of disbelief. Somehow my brain just couldn’t process this information. A part of me still believed that someone was going to appear from behind the blue curtains any minute saying I could come and see him. I was standing there in a daze when Dr C stepped out from behind the curtain and told me that it was over.
There are often still times when everything feels like a bad dream from which I am going to wake up any minute. My logical, practical side has kicked in. I spent the whole afternoon making arrangement and talking to what felt like a million people.

At the beginning of the week my dear friend Sam forwarded an e-mail to me that touched me and changed me in a profound manner. I have asked the author’s permission to publish it on my blog and she has graciously agreed. Hers is story of “Beauty from ashes …” and it is the prayer of my heart that her testimony will also touch and enrich your lives and touch your hearts, giving us all the tender and receptive hearts God promises in Ezekiel 36:26.

One of the many things in her mail that really spoke to me, was her statement that she and her husband made a decision “to become BETTER people not BITTER people” when they lost their 11 day old baby boy about six months ago. The prayer of my heart is that God will use this sorrowful time in my life to also make me a BETTER person, to give me a new heart so that six months from now my testimony of God’s goodness and grace will be an encouragement to others. Please carry me in your prayers.