Beauty from ashes ...

It is now 7:45, Friday the 3rd of July.

"To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."

Isaiah 61:2-3

Tim and Yvette lost their little 11 day old baby boy, Jason about six months ago. What follows is Yvette's testimony that the heartbreaking story did not end with Jason's death. I have copied her e-mail word for word. This story has changed my life. Open your hearts as you continue reading, for little Jason did not die in vain. This is a story of God's faithfullness to give those who mourn beauty from ashes as He promises in Isaiah 61:2-3 quoted above.
To many of you, it will come as a surprise that it has already been 6 months since Jason’s death. For me, in some ways, those crazy, roller coaster, hope-and-dread-filled 11 days that he spent in ICU are as clear in my mind as if they happened yesterday. In other ways, it feels like a lifetime ago…

"It has been on my mind for several weeks now to write to everyone again who shared with us in the joy of his birth and the heartbreak of his death because I want to tell you that that is not where the story ends. We so often hear bad news reported, but somehow good news doesn’t seem to be newsworthy – so I want to share with you the good that I have experienced as a direct result of Jason’s short life.

Following Jason’s death, both Tim and I immediately accepted that we will never understand why it had to happen that way. We continue to believe that God is good. He is faithful and just and He allows both good and bad into our lives – and we can trust Him with both. He has a purpose for our pain, and we made a choice to try to become better people rather than bitter people through this experience. We also had to accept that although our faith provides us with strength and comfort – it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

My heartache at losing Jason has taught me so much about myself, my relationship with God and about His nature, that although it will always be a pain I carry with me, I can actually thank God now for the experience and for using it to teach me the things He needed me to know. I want to submit to the plan He has for me and to walk through it in a way that brings Him glory – in a way that shows what it means to trust Him in the midst of sorrow and difficulty and disappointment. This submission has meant a quiet, though sorrowful acceptance of God’s plan and God’s timing. It has meant giving up the plans I had for my son, for my family, for my life, and bringing them all under submission to Him. It’s an ongoing decision to submit every day as I let go of my hopes and dreams; and it’s not always an easy decision - as I think about what Jason would have been doing by now, as I see and interact with other babies, as I face questions about whether I have other children…

Maybe part of the purpose of my pain is to give me a proper perspective about life on earth – and the life after. I had intended staying at home to care for Jason, and decided not return to work following his death. I have appreciated having the opportunity to take the time to process my grief in the best way I know how. I consciously pulled the plug on my always-hectic lifestyle, spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying, and had a good, hard re-think of what’s really important in my life and what deserves the best of my time and attention. Not surprisingly in many ways, I found that lots of what kept me “running” previously is actually insignificant when it comes right down to it. I realised that unless God is my no.1 passion, my attitude needs to change and my priorities definitely need to adjust. A few weeks ago, our pastor spoke about how our crazy lifestyle (especially in places like Jo’burg) steals from our love for God – that busyness has become an idol in many people’s lives. I could immediately identify with that because before Jason’s death stopped me in my tracks, that was me!

I have learnt that we need to hold onto the things of this world loosely – however precious as they are to us – and focus our attention on our eternal investments. Previously, heaven was a sort of abstract concept to me, now I have a very real sense of how awesome spending eternity in God’s presence is going to be, and I have a yearning to be there that I didn’t feel before Jason. With that in mind, I know that all of life’s struggles and trials are more than worth it!

God has also opened doors for me to share His love in ways that I never would have believed previously. My grief has given me an insight into other people’s struggles – not only in grief, but also those questioning God’s love and goodness in a world that seems to be in chaos, and those battling with various personal issues. Maybe it’s just because I have slowed down enough to really listen to other people now, or maybe they are more prepared to share their pain with me because they know I’m also hurting. People have either questioned me directly how I can still believe God is good and has my best interests at heart, in spite of what has happened, or they have subtly given me an opportunity to share with them what I have learnt through my experience. Just like we want to talk about a friend whose presence and influence has had an impact on our life, I can now be spontaneous and find it easy to tell what He has done for me. I have a boldness that I never used to have to share my joy of experiencing firsthand God’s love and support and healing – and I no longer worry about treading on toes of those who don’t share my faith, because I don’t feel I am preaching to them about religion, I am simply sharing my personal experience, which no-one can deny is real.

So you see, the good news is that God brought me to a crossroads through Jason’s death. I either had to carry on rushing down a path that would ultimately lead to hopelessness and bitterness, or allow Him to gently lead me down the path of peace. I chose the path of peace because I want to be a trophy of His grace and restoration, and to touch the world in ways I never imagined. True to His amazing nature, while following that path, I have found Him to be more loving and faithful than I’ve ever seen Him before! I believe God will create beauty out of the ashes of my dream.

Having told you the good that I have found through our pain, I won’t try to fool anyone by telling you that I am coping “just fine”. I still have times when the memories and the feeling of loss overwhelm me, but in my weakest times, I have felt a strength to go on that I know is not my own. I really have felt the “peace that passes all understanding” that He promises to give us. So please continue to pray for our family – that we will continue to feel God’s love and comfort in a very real way and be able to face the challenges of each day in His strength.

With love
Yvette"