Love has a colour ...

I saw this on LauraKim's blog and decided to give it a try. It is scary what a good summary this is of me ...

Why don't you find out what colour your love is? Leave a comment and let me know.

Your Love is Blue
When you love someone, you give your heart entirely to them. You believe love is an unconditional, unselfish act.You don't love half-way. You are "all in" whenever you are in love, and you don't hold back.You find it easy to fall in love. You accept people as they are, and you even can love someone's flaws.Because you are so loving and caring, you are incredibly easy to love in return. Your heart is open and ready to be filled.

Welcome back Jos ...

Jos only came back last night after being away since Sunday. His dad has his own transport company and Jos joined him in the truck, taking a load down to Cape Town. Jos loved spending the time with his dad but we sure missed him. Little Reuben was calling for him all the time and getting all excited if he heard someone hooting in the street. He was ecstatic to have his brother back. Despite trying to convince me differently Jos was really tired and passed out early. It is so nice to have both my boys around again! (I tried in vain to get a photo of the two together. Reuben was much more interested in grabbing my camera. Will keep trying on the week end)

12 point introspection ...

I saw this on Jenty’s blog and thought a little introspection might help me gain some insight in the current slump I am in …

1. want: My focus, energy and passion back.
2. need: Energy and motivation
3. thankful for: My family and friends
4. thinking: I am exhausted why is the week end only two days?
5. quote: “In life, understanding is the booby prize.” Unknown
6. watching: My boys growing up too quickly
7. lacking: Me-time
8. listening: To the air conditioner
9. responding: Without enthusiasm
10. planning: To cook a family meal on Sunday
11. am: Worried about my brother
12. not: In a good space

Big boy ...

Wouldn't be fair if I neglected to post a recent photo of Reuben as well. He is getting bigger and cuter by the day. He is now managing to express himself in a manner that we can understand most of the time, but still shows his frustration if not understood with a proper tantrum. When looking for a photo to post, I was shocked to see that I have also neglected to regularly take Photos of the boys in the last 3 months since Kallie passed away. Definitely plan to rectify that.

Budding actor ....

On Thursday the 27th of August, Josiah took part in his school's bi-annual revue. The play told the story of how the king of the land of Fairy Tales was planning to cancel all fairy tales as the fairy tale characters were not doing their work. All the fairy tale characters had the chance to go and plead their case before the king or they will be forced to go and live in the real world. Considering the fact that it was Pre-school to Gr 3 children (between the ages of 3 and 9) taking part, it was extremely well done. I got really camera happy and snapped lots and lots of pictures. Jos had the role of the Wolf from Little Red Riding Hood. He had everyone in stitches. To my surprise he calmly waited for the audience to compose themselves and then carried on without missing a beat. When I commented on this he smugly replied that the expensive drama lessons I complain about, are clearly paying off. No arguing that point!

Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf about to state their case.

The Wolf explainig to the King that people in real life are scared of him and will surely kill him.


If they find out he is a talking Wolf before they kill him, he will definitely end up in the circus...

Peaceful protests ...

I love the fact that Jos's school insists on mass participation. Each child had a chance to partcipate in the group singing and dancing.

Introducing the choir.

Tired and relieved fairy tale stars - the King withdrew his decision in the end!

Last chance to sit on the King's throne.

Someone likes me!!!!!!!!

To get started on my “Do something” mission I decided to catch up on my blog reading. (Can you imagine how bad things have to be if you don’t get round to reading your favourite blogs?) And to my big surprise and absolute delight I have received a blog award!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you sooooo much Janet you have made my day! (Sorry it took me so long..)

Now, I need to pass this award on to other bloggers whose blogs I enjoy reading! So, here goes!

The one and only Jenty without who I would never have started blogging ...

Celia for blogging about cooking in such a down to earth manner that even I am inspired ... (Please go check out her yummy blog!)

Maryann for reminding me that every boy mommy faces the same challenges ...

Laura for the honest and funny way in which so eloquently writes about life ...

Mel and her box of cholocates, one of the first blogs I started following (Okay read stalking) just to inspire her to take some time off from her busy schedule to post and let us know how she is doing

A new month ….

September is traditionally the month of new beginnings, a time for all of us here in the southern hemisphere to welcome spring and revel in warmer days. It is supposed to be a time to spring clean and start a fresh. This was so not the case in my life. I felt unbelievably tired all the time. With hardly enough energy to plod through each day, the thought of spring cleaning and starting new projects never crossed my woolly mind. It was hard enough trying to remember the basics and get everything done at no point was I even considering stretching my already clouded brain with anything that wasn’t absolutely crucial. (Hence the lack of blog posts for September.)

Today is the start of a new month. October - less than 3 months before Christmas. Where has this year gone? Make no mistake I am still tired and I would much rather just veg in front of the TV than do anything that requires even the tiniest bit of energy or thought. But …. (Drum roll please!) I have decided that I somehow will have to pull myself together and do something, anything just as long as it breaks this cycle of nothingness.

This decision was inspired by Jenty’s “October can only be better” post. I can so identify with her and relief washed over me when I realised that I wasn’t the only one with a crappy life at the moment.

This post is the start to my Do something” mission for October. Any ideas of “somethings” that won’t require too much energy?

I am! Are you?

Today Kallie would not only have celebrated his 40th birthday, but August is also Organ Donor awareness month. Just one more "godincidence" on my journey through life. I realise that it is very difficult for the ordinary man on the street to understand the importance of organ donation. It is only when you or someone near to you is on the "receiving end" that you realise that organ donation is indeed the ultimate gift - a gift of life!!

I urge you to please consider registering as an Organ Donor right now on the Organ Donor Foundation of South Africa's website.

THERE IS NO CHARGE TO REGISTER AS AN ORGAN DONOR.

A few facts about organ donation in South Africa:

"South Africa is a world leader in the field of organ transplantation; however, while the number of patients waiting for transplants continues to increase the serious shortage of potential donors continues to be of great concern. The Organ Donor Foundation is a non-profit charity, established to address the critical shortage of organ and tissue donors in South Africa through awareness and education campaigns. Currently there are over 3,500 South Africans waiting for organ and tissue transplants. Sadly, as a result of this critical shortage less than 1,000 of them will receive a transplant and the "Gift of Life" this year. Research has shown that organ donation is acceptable to the majority of South Africans and contrary to popular belief, a grieving family takes great comfort from the knowledge that they are able to help others through the donation of their loved one's organs and tissues."

My very first meme!!!!!

I got tagged for this fluffy meme (and my first for that matter) by Jenty … so here goes… !

1. What time did you get up this morning? Half past 4 after snoozing my cellphone 3 times
2. How do you like your steak? Don't eat steak - hate red meat
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Cannot remember for the life of me - too long ago
4. What is your favorite TV show? Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy but only if I can watch the whole series on DVD at my leisure - I hate being left hanging until the next episode.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Definitely Paternoster or Tietiesbaai
6. What did you have for breakfast? Only coffee so far planning on having All Bran just now
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Grilled prawns, pavlova
8. What foods do you dislike? Red meat and chillie
9. Favorite Place to Eat? The Boomhuisie restaurant for sentimental reasons (Kallie and I frequented this quaint little restaurant and also celebrated our wedding reception there) 11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Golf TDi Estate (a real mommy mobile)
12. What are your favorite clothes? PJ's and jeans (Don't worry I don't wear them at the same time)
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Eiffel tower in Paris
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Could change from moment to moment depending on how my day unfolds
15. Where would you want to retire? Definitely Paternoster or Tietiesbaai
16. Favorite time of day? Evenings when the boys are finally asleep and I am surrounded by silence
17. Where were you born? Durban
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Diving
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? No idea
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? I dunno
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? I dunno
22. Bird watcher? Definitely - have just neglected this hobby for quite a while now but am planning to rectify that
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night person.
24. Do you have any pets? Yes, a whole zoo which includes 3 dogs, 1 bearded dragon (and no I am not scared of it), a hamster, 2 love birds and a 1000+ earthworms in our "Going green" wormery! (There were a couple more pets at one stage but we had a few casualties along the way.)
25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? Jenty has helped me revamp my blog and I am now able to add gadgets/ widgets (I think). I feel like such a techno wizz!!!
26. What did you want to be when you were little? A doctor or a vet
27. What is your best childhood memory? Caravan holidays
28. Are you a cat or dog person? Dog
29. Are you married? Yes in my heart - my husband passed away recently
30. Always wear your seat belt? Always.
31. Been in a car accident? Only a bumper bashing or two
32. Any pet peeves? Clutter, lies, office politics
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Cheese, chicken, avo
34. Favorite Flower? Longstemmed red roses
35. Favorite ice cream? Lemon sorbet (don't know if that counts as ice cream)
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Nandos
37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? Passed first time (probably because I drove around for quite a while without one)
38. From whom did you get your last email? Chantelle - was a mail on how short life is and it made me cry
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Woolies
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Bought myself a framed print of the Eiffel tower (not sure where I am going to hang it yet)
41. Happy with your job? Some times
42. Broccoli? Yes
43. What was your favorite vacation? Going to St Lucia for my honeymoon
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? My mom and my 2 boys
45. What are you listening to right now? Airconditioner and colleagues talking in the distance
46. What is your favorite color? Blue (I think)
47. How many tattoos do you have? None (except if the permanent make up on my brows and eyes count)
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? Not sure this is my first time at this and all the bloggers I know personally have already been tagged, so I am going to be wild and tag 4 I have read for a long time but who probably doesn't even know I exist!
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 7:09 am
50. Coffee Drinker? Oh yes cannot survive without my caffeine fix

And I tag 4 bloggers I am in awe of , and who to my knowledge have not been tagged yet

Kirsty from "We are that family"
Mel from "A box of chocolates"
Angel from "Angelsmind"
Laurakim from "Harassed mom"

The significance of Starfish ...

As I mentioned in my "42 Things I Love" post, Starfish are of great significance to me. My fascination started with an e-mail I received. The e-mail contained the "Starfish Story". Over time I have come across the story, and numerous permutations thereof, many times. The story left such an impression on me that in my mind a Starfish became the symbol of "making a difference". I had been wondering about the origin of the story for a while and decided to a bit of research. I was amazed to discover that it isn't just a little tale that has been passed on over time, but and adaptation from a book ,"The Star Thrower", written by Loren Eisely.

Apparently Loren Eiseley was an anthropologist who wrote extensively. He was the 'wise man' in the story, and he was walking along a beach after a storm and encountered the fellow throwing the starfish back. I am dying to read the original book myself and I have managed to find and purchase it online. I am now waiting in anticipation for it to arrive. Needless to say I will definitely post about it as soon as I have read it. Can't wait!!!

The Starfish Story

Adapted from "The Star Thrower" by Loren Eiseley (1907-1977)

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.
One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.
As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.
He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"
The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."
"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.
To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."
Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"
At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

About me - 42 things I love ....

To kick start my journey of self discovery I have spent the last week or so since my birthday contemplating my likes and dislikes. This was quite difficult initially. I set myself a goal to make a list of 42 things (for 42 years) I love. Nothing hectic or philosophical just silly everyday things and places (not people - I will get to that later) that tickle my fancy. Wow I was amazed (and sometimes even shocked) at times. I would, totally out of the blue, remember old favourites or recall long forgotten memories when I was least expecting it.

Here is my "42 things I love" list in no particular order; I just jotted things down as they came to mind -

1. Sushi


2. Long stemmed red roses


3. Frogs


4. Dark Albany chocolate (especially Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher)


5. Books


6. Sudoku puzzles


7. Reading - books, blogs ...


8. Numbers & calculations


9. Bird watching


10. St Joseph's Lilies


11. Pater Noster & Tietiesbaai


12. Blogging


13. Wimpy Coffee


14. Candy floss


15. Surprises


16. Lists


17. St Lucia


18. Starfish


19. Cafe Latte


20. Meringues especially pavlova


21. Prawns


22. Hiking


23. Sherbet


24. Scrapbooking


25. The Boomhuisie restaurant (Kallie and I frequented this quaint little restaurant and also celebrated our wedding reception there)


26. Photography (I am such an amateur and will probably never reach Jeanette's standards in my life time yet I get such a kick out of it if I happen to take a special photograph.)


27. Notebooks (I am always making notes and lists in multiple notebooks at the same time, a habit that used to frustrate Kallie no end as I was always looking for the one specific notebook that contained the information I needed.)


28. Organisation


29. Four Cousins Rose wine


30. Camping


31. "Godincidences"


32. Tidy cupboards and drawers


33. Cream Soda float


34. Belly laughs


35. Candlelight


36. Giving the perfect gift


37. Detail detail detail (The saying goes that "the devil is in the detail" and I have learnt that it is always the small, seemingly insignificant, little things that count the most!)


38. Chick Flicks


39. Television series on DVD so I don't have to wait a week to see the next episode.


40. Symbolism (I firmly believe there is more to life than meets the eye.)


41. Music (No specific preference as long as it is not heavy metal.)


42. Art that speaks to me - Beauty is after all in the eye of the beholder

My next challenge is now to see how many of these favourite things I can enjoy in the next 3 months. I will keep you posted.

Journey of self discovery ...

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Lao Tzu

Things have finally settled down enough to allow me to start thinking about and processing all that has happened in the last two years of my life since Kallie fell ill. I have realised that we have been on one hellluva rollercoaster ride since his first heart attack on the 2nd of July 2007. My prime focus during this time was his illness, especially towards the end when the heart transplant was becoming a reality. I became a student of heart disease (and might I say a damn good one at that). I am able to recite the long list of medication he took by heart down to the very last milligram without missing a beat. Yet I have come to realise that I have lost a big part of myself along the way. Ask me about heart surgery, heart transplants and organ donation but don't ask me my favourite colour. I am in the extremely fortunate position that I am able to spend time with and amazing psychologist who is slowly helping me process and come to grips with all that has happened. I am on a journey towards finding "me" again and S is gently illuminating the way....

I celebrated my 42nd birthday on the 22nd of July. Although I was still sick at home with bronchitis it turned out to be a really special day, sad but special. Old friends that I had not heard from in years phoned and sent SMS's. New friends, who I met for the first time when they reached out to me at church the Sunday after Kallie's death, dropped by with flowers and gifts.

My dear friend Sam travelled all the way to Krugersdorp to spoil me with the most gorgeous birthday cake. Before Kallie passed away I always joked that all I wanted for my birthday was a new heart. She made this gorgeous and DELICIOUS heart shaped chocolate cake decorated with a green bow. (Green was Kallie's favourite colour). I am so blessed to have such a thoughtful friend!!

Happy birthday Chave...

Tuesday the 14th of July is a very special day, for a very special little girl! Kallie's youngest sister Marelize's little girl, Chave, is turning ONE that day.

It feels like yesterday when we went to visit Marelize at Garden City clinic straight after Chave was born and Kallie commented that she was still "very fresh".

Kallie's other sister, Carlien took these awesome photographs just before Kallie passed away. Isn't she the cutest thing? It is so nice to have a little rose among all the thorns to buy pink and frills for!!!

Friends ...

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have Forgotten the words."

Unknown

The love of a friend comes in many shapes and sizes, sometimes loud sometimes quiet It is in the little things, the big things. It is chocolate cup cakes, sago pudding, laughing, crying, sharing, talking, listening and silence. It is a specially chosen pot plant with dark purple flowers where the edges of the petals grow lighter at the ends to symbolise that your grief will too, with time subside. It is spoiling the kids with fluffy fun blankets to wrap them up snuggly, just like the thoughts and prayers of friends wrap around the broken pieces of your heart snuggly.

The Gift of Life...

I have been planning to publish a post about organ donation for a long time, even since before Kallie passed away. I have however just not found the right words. I have researched the topic extensively, asked a lot of questions from a lot of people, yet it never seemed the right time. I then stumbled upon the following on the Organ Donor Foundation of South Africa's Website and there it was - exactly what I wanted to say.
I can only ask that you to read this carefully, maybe even more than once and to let this speak to your heart. The man I still love with all my heart and soul "lay upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying." He had a heart that had "caused nothing but endless days of pain." He ran out of time, waiting for the ultimate gift, the gift of life ...

Lifelong Wish - Robert Test

"The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.
When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of machines, and don't call this my death-bed. Let it be called the Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. Give my sight to the man who has never seen sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, that he might live to see his grandchildren play. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk. Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that, someday, a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her windows. Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers to grow. If you must bury something, let it be my fault, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow men. Give my sins to the devil. Give my soul to God. If by chance you wish to remember me, do it in a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all that I have asked, I will live forever."

MAD not angry ...

The last thought I left everyone at Kallie's funeral with was the following: "Do not let Kallie's death make you angry, rather MAD - Making a difference.”

Today I am finding it especially hard to "practice what I preach". Today would have been my late Dad's 72nd birthday. I feel engulfed by a sense of loss, as if I am drowning in sorrow. My heart is breaking. At times I feel as if I am going to shrivel up and die.

Then I am reminded of God's promises:

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
(Hebrews 13:5)
"Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
(Matthew 28:20)
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8)

I am determined that Kallie's death will not be in vain. I want to make sure that each and everything about the man he was will somehow make a difference somewhere. I want to ensure that his legacy will live forever. Kallie's Father died when he was only seven years old. It really bugged him immensely that he could not really remember much about his Dad. I don't want that to be the case for his sons. My sisters-in-law and I are busy gathering photographs, memorabilia and most importantly anecdotes from all the people who knew and loved Kallie to put together memory books for his sons.

Today I want to pay tribute to two incredible fathers, two very special daddies...

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a daddy."
~Author Unknown

What can I say ...

Yesterday was Kallie's funeral service. The 7th of the 7th Month.

7 the number of spiritual perfection:
Seven days in a week.
Seven colours in the spectrum.
Seven of the 10 commandments begin with the word "not."
There are 7 seals, 7 trumpets, 7 parables in Matthew, and 7 promises to the churches.
There are 7 "eternals" in Hebrews which are: A priest for ever (1:6); Eternal salvation (1:9); Eternal judgment (6:2); Eternal redemption (9:12); Eternal spirit (9:14); Eternal inheritance (9:15); and everlasting covenant (13:20).
Jesus said 7 things on the cross: 1) Luke 23:34 "Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots; 2) Luke 23:43 Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise"; 3) Matthew 27:46 About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" -- which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"; 4) John 19:26 "When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son"; 5) John 19:28 "Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." 6) John 19:30 "When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit"; and 7) Luke 23:46 "Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When he had said this, he breathed his last."
"Hallelujah" occurs 28 times or 4 x 7.
"Hosanna" occurs 7 times.
"Milk" occurs 49 times or 7 x 7.
"Abaddon" occurs 7 times.
"After the order of Melchizedek" occurs 7 times
I am trying hard to believe that Kallie's death was indeed that - Spiritual Perfection, perfect timing. Yet today it doesn't feel that way. I feel numb. After all the activity and organising of the days since his death on Thursday 2 July, everything suddenly feels empty. I am like a robot going through the motions - talking, smiling, and reassuring everybody that I am okay. I am trying very hard not to think, because I am petrified that if I allow myself to think about what has happened long enough I will not be able to carry on.
When our pastor, Pastor G came to see me on Thursday after Kallie died, he briefly explained the basic options for a funeral service to allow me time to think about it, before I saw him on Friday morning to make final arrangements. In doing so, he said that he felt that it was Kallie's special day. It really touched my heart and I wanted nothing more but make it just that, Kallie's special day. Furthermore I felt compelled to also use this opportunity to raise awareness around organ donation. To me it is something I cannot comprehend – how can anyone hang on to that, which they no longer need when they die, when they have an opportunity to change the lives of up to 26 people?
It was a special day, his very special day. I felt a supernatural peace and was intensely aware of all the prayers that were being sent heavenwards on my behalf. It was also a terribly sad day, the last time I could really do anything special for the man I still love with all my heart and soul. Kallie would have celebrated his 40th birthday on the 27th of August later this year. I have already been planning a surprise party in my head and I had decided that, no matter what, I was somehow going to buy him Renier's staircase painting, which I wrote about earlier, as a birthday present. On Thursday evening I phoned Renier, not only to share my sad news with him and Lizette, but also to ask him to keep the painting for me. I may now have to climb the staircase of life alone, but I know Kallie is waiting for me at the top …
On Monday evening, while I was talking to my brother, who assisted me with all the arrangements, he mentioned something amazing - August is Organ Donor Awareness month. As I have said before I do not believe in coincidence or fate, this was just one more "Godincidence" on my journey. This is also another opportunity not only to honour Kallie’s memory but to play a small part in giving someone out there, a second chance – the ultimate gift, the gift of life …

To the love of my life ...

Tuesday the 30th of June as I was driving home from work, I had an uncontrollable urge to write a letter to Kallie. I whipped out a note book and wrote the following with the book perched on my steering wheel. When I got home I was in two minds whether I should give it to him or not. In the end I personally read it to him. With tears streaming down his face he looked at me and softly said: “You finally understand …”
I am so thankful that God allowed me the privilege of sharing this with him.

“Even though I had no idea what “for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” would entail when we took our vows two and a half years ago, I have come to realise that I really meant every word and that, that is a promise I intend keeping till death do us part. There is nowhere in the world I would rather be because that would mean being without you.
I love you more deeply, and admire the man you are more intensely than the day we met. I have come to realise that you love me with your whole being despite the fact that, due to circumstances you may not always be in a position to express that love in the manner I require.
You are strong and brave and I am so proud of you for time and time again battling your own inner demons of negativity and fear, and standing up when life knocks you down. I admire your courage for fearlessly facing this life changing challenge head on.
I know now that when you withdraw from me or claim you no longer want me to be part of your life, it is your way of trying to protect me from this ordeal we are facing, yet there is no doubt in my mind that my place is right beside you. This is all in God’s plan for our lives. Faith cannot make our hurt less but it will sustain us through this.
Please take my hand and allow me to climb the stairs with you, one step at a time so that we can reach the top together having received not only a physical heart, but new tender and responsive spiritual hearts.

ILUWAMHASFAE "

30 June 2009

Beauty from ashes ...

It is now 7:45, Friday the 3rd of July.

"To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."

Isaiah 61:2-3

Tim and Yvette lost their little 11 day old baby boy, Jason about six months ago. What follows is Yvette's testimony that the heartbreaking story did not end with Jason's death. I have copied her e-mail word for word. This story has changed my life. Open your hearts as you continue reading, for little Jason did not die in vain. This is a story of God's faithfullness to give those who mourn beauty from ashes as He promises in Isaiah 61:2-3 quoted above.
To many of you, it will come as a surprise that it has already been 6 months since Jason’s death. For me, in some ways, those crazy, roller coaster, hope-and-dread-filled 11 days that he spent in ICU are as clear in my mind as if they happened yesterday. In other ways, it feels like a lifetime ago…

"It has been on my mind for several weeks now to write to everyone again who shared with us in the joy of his birth and the heartbreak of his death because I want to tell you that that is not where the story ends. We so often hear bad news reported, but somehow good news doesn’t seem to be newsworthy – so I want to share with you the good that I have experienced as a direct result of Jason’s short life.

Following Jason’s death, both Tim and I immediately accepted that we will never understand why it had to happen that way. We continue to believe that God is good. He is faithful and just and He allows both good and bad into our lives – and we can trust Him with both. He has a purpose for our pain, and we made a choice to try to become better people rather than bitter people through this experience. We also had to accept that although our faith provides us with strength and comfort – it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

My heartache at losing Jason has taught me so much about myself, my relationship with God and about His nature, that although it will always be a pain I carry with me, I can actually thank God now for the experience and for using it to teach me the things He needed me to know. I want to submit to the plan He has for me and to walk through it in a way that brings Him glory – in a way that shows what it means to trust Him in the midst of sorrow and difficulty and disappointment. This submission has meant a quiet, though sorrowful acceptance of God’s plan and God’s timing. It has meant giving up the plans I had for my son, for my family, for my life, and bringing them all under submission to Him. It’s an ongoing decision to submit every day as I let go of my hopes and dreams; and it’s not always an easy decision - as I think about what Jason would have been doing by now, as I see and interact with other babies, as I face questions about whether I have other children…

Maybe part of the purpose of my pain is to give me a proper perspective about life on earth – and the life after. I had intended staying at home to care for Jason, and decided not return to work following his death. I have appreciated having the opportunity to take the time to process my grief in the best way I know how. I consciously pulled the plug on my always-hectic lifestyle, spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying, and had a good, hard re-think of what’s really important in my life and what deserves the best of my time and attention. Not surprisingly in many ways, I found that lots of what kept me “running” previously is actually insignificant when it comes right down to it. I realised that unless God is my no.1 passion, my attitude needs to change and my priorities definitely need to adjust. A few weeks ago, our pastor spoke about how our crazy lifestyle (especially in places like Jo’burg) steals from our love for God – that busyness has become an idol in many people’s lives. I could immediately identify with that because before Jason’s death stopped me in my tracks, that was me!

I have learnt that we need to hold onto the things of this world loosely – however precious as they are to us – and focus our attention on our eternal investments. Previously, heaven was a sort of abstract concept to me, now I have a very real sense of how awesome spending eternity in God’s presence is going to be, and I have a yearning to be there that I didn’t feel before Jason. With that in mind, I know that all of life’s struggles and trials are more than worth it!

God has also opened doors for me to share His love in ways that I never would have believed previously. My grief has given me an insight into other people’s struggles – not only in grief, but also those questioning God’s love and goodness in a world that seems to be in chaos, and those battling with various personal issues. Maybe it’s just because I have slowed down enough to really listen to other people now, or maybe they are more prepared to share their pain with me because they know I’m also hurting. People have either questioned me directly how I can still believe God is good and has my best interests at heart, in spite of what has happened, or they have subtly given me an opportunity to share with them what I have learnt through my experience. Just like we want to talk about a friend whose presence and influence has had an impact on our life, I can now be spontaneous and find it easy to tell what He has done for me. I have a boldness that I never used to have to share my joy of experiencing firsthand God’s love and support and healing – and I no longer worry about treading on toes of those who don’t share my faith, because I don’t feel I am preaching to them about religion, I am simply sharing my personal experience, which no-one can deny is real.

So you see, the good news is that God brought me to a crossroads through Jason’s death. I either had to carry on rushing down a path that would ultimately lead to hopelessness and bitterness, or allow Him to gently lead me down the path of peace. I chose the path of peace because I want to be a trophy of His grace and restoration, and to touch the world in ways I never imagined. True to His amazing nature, while following that path, I have found Him to be more loving and faithful than I’ve ever seen Him before! I believe God will create beauty out of the ashes of my dream.

Having told you the good that I have found through our pain, I won’t try to fool anyone by telling you that I am coping “just fine”. I still have times when the memories and the feeling of loss overwhelm me, but in my weakest times, I have felt a strength to go on that I know is not my own. I really have felt the “peace that passes all understanding” that He promises to give us. So please continue to pray for our family – that we will continue to feel God’s love and comfort in a very real way and be able to face the challenges of each day in His strength.

With love
Yvette"

My heart is breaking ...

It is now 1:45 in the morning, Friday 3 July as I am writing this. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I lost my soul mate and the love of my life. The man I wanted to be with until we turned 80 passed away before even celebrating his 40th birthday.

Kallie had the angiogram and blood work up that would enable him to be placed on the heart transplant list late on Wednesday evening. We were relieved and elated that Dr C confirmed that although he desperately needed a new heart he did qualify to be put on the list. Kallie was due to spend the night in hospital and be discharged yesterday morning. When I phoned to enquire when I could pick him up, I was informed that he had been transferred to ICU as the oedema (water retention) due to the end stage heart failure was worse and they needed to insert a line in his neck in order to treat him with diuretic medicine. When I arrived at Milpark hospital there was a mix up as to where he was taken and after being sent to and thro I eventually located him. I was informed that Dr C was busy inserting the line and I could see him as soon as Dr C was finished. After waiting in the waiting area for a while, I became worried and went to enquire if it would still take long. The sister told me that they were just taking a X-ray to check the line and then I could see him. While I was waiting the sister in charge of the Cardiac Care Unit at Milpark came to talk to me. Sister Elize explained that Kallie was extremely tired and battling to breathe and that they were going to put him on a ventilator to help him breathe so that he would be more comfortable. The next minute things went crazy. I heard a nurse answer the telephone at the nursing station where I was sitting, saying that she couldn’t speak as they had a crisis and were resuscitating a patient. I walked out to call my sister-in-law to tell her that they were placing Kallie on a ventilator. I was still talking to Carlien when one of the sisters came to call me. Dr C wanted to speak to me. He said that he didn’t think Kallie was going to make it. I felt numb and in a total state of disbelief. Somehow my brain just couldn’t process this information. A part of me still believed that someone was going to appear from behind the blue curtains any minute saying I could come and see him. I was standing there in a daze when Dr C stepped out from behind the curtain and told me that it was over.
There are often still times when everything feels like a bad dream from which I am going to wake up any minute. My logical, practical side has kicked in. I spent the whole afternoon making arrangement and talking to what felt like a million people.

At the beginning of the week my dear friend Sam forwarded an e-mail to me that touched me and changed me in a profound manner. I have asked the author’s permission to publish it on my blog and she has graciously agreed. Hers is story of “Beauty from ashes …” and it is the prayer of my heart that her testimony will also touch and enrich your lives and touch your hearts, giving us all the tender and receptive hearts God promises in Ezekiel 36:26.

One of the many things in her mail that really spoke to me, was her statement that she and her husband made a decision “to become BETTER people not BITTER people” when they lost their 11 day old baby boy about six months ago. The prayer of my heart is that God will use this sorrowful time in my life to also make me a BETTER person, to give me a new heart so that six months from now my testimony of God’s goodness and grace will be an encouragement to others. Please carry me in your prayers.

“Godincidences” – Staircase of hope ...

I don’t believe in coincidence or fate. My God is too big and too mighty for anything to interfere with His plans for my life. Ever since I read the billboard I wrote about here, God has been nudging me in little ways. Being my stubborn self and totally overwhelmed by my current circumstances, I have not paid any heed to His gentle prodding. Fortunately He is faithful and, just like any good parent, has just spoken louder and louder in order to be heard. Allow me share the amazing “Godincidences” I have experienced recently –

When I told Renier’s story I mentioned that he started painting after his heart transplant. Right at the start of our visit to their house, both Kallie and I noticed one of his paintings. It was partially hidden in a corner of the lounge. Renier sells his paintings and uses their home as an informal gallery, just hanging any new paintings wherever there is a nail available until such time as it is sold. The painting really spoke to us and we joking said to Renier that we would love to own it but could not afford it at the moment. He asked whether we were serious and offered to keep it until we could afford it. This morning my dear friend Sam encouraged me with the following quote by Martin Luther King Jr:

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.”

Not only is this quote extremely appropriate in our current circumstances, but the painting that I fell in love with is of a wooden staircase. Renier commented that the painting was filled with symbolism but that the interpretation was in the eye of the beholder. How true!

I am trusting God to lead us up this steep staircase, one step at a time, to reach the top where I trust that not only will a new physical heart be waiting for Kallie, but that we will also receive new spiritual hearts as God promises in Ezekiel 36:26.

“And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart “
Ezekiel 36:26 (New Living Translation):

Tomorrow we will be taking another step closer as Kallie goes in to Milpark Hospital for all the physical tests to determine whether he qualifies to be added to the transplant list. Please join us in praying that all the results will be positive.

On a more happy note ...

I have decided to catch up on my blogging about some more fun things

The boys and I spent two weeks at home during the April holidays but we were by no means bored. Besides being lazy and lounging around in our pj's til late morning we kept ourselves busy with lots of fun activities!!!

These are some of the things we were up to:

We baked pancakes (and got covered in flour...)


We had a chocolate fondue ....

We went shopping for a new Ben 10 wardrobe...

We visited the Irene Dairy farm ...

We had an Easter egg hunt ...

The Loot!!!

We had lunch at the Wimpy ...




followed by trip to the games room ...


I cannot believe the schools are closing again, wish I could also have leave and stay at home to have fun with my boys. Wishful thinking though, but a girl can dream after all!!

The Irene Dairy farm

During the April school holidays I took Jos, Reuben and my stepson Duvan to the Irene Dairy farm. It was a most enjoyable experience. The two older boys loved running around and watching the cows brought in for milking. We had a lovely, relaxing lunch at the outdoor restaurant. Reuben ran around making friends with all the patrons. He managed to make friends at a nearby table. There was the cutest little red haired boy sitting at the table eating spaghetti bolognaise. I just had to take photographs and mail them to his mom later.

I had a ball with my camera. I usually prefer to take photographs of people, especially the kids but somehow the surroundings and following Jeanette's photographic blog religiously, inspired me to be a bit more daring. I managed to move out of my normal comfort zone and even surprised myself when I got home and downloaded the pictures.

Here are a few of my favorites.

The wishing well at the entrance.
Jos and Duvan insisted on depositing money in the water to make a wish.

Fallen tree.

Old farm implement.

(I am a city girl have no idea exactly what this is.)

Old motorbike.

Begged the boys to pose for me but they were too excited about the wishing well.

When the cows come home ....

(for milking off course)

Lonely duck!