My heart is breaking ...

It is now 1:45 in the morning, Friday 3 July as I am writing this. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I lost my soul mate and the love of my life. The man I wanted to be with until we turned 80 passed away before even celebrating his 40th birthday.

Kallie had the angiogram and blood work up that would enable him to be placed on the heart transplant list late on Wednesday evening. We were relieved and elated that Dr C confirmed that although he desperately needed a new heart he did qualify to be put on the list. Kallie was due to spend the night in hospital and be discharged yesterday morning. When I phoned to enquire when I could pick him up, I was informed that he had been transferred to ICU as the oedema (water retention) due to the end stage heart failure was worse and they needed to insert a line in his neck in order to treat him with diuretic medicine. When I arrived at Milpark hospital there was a mix up as to where he was taken and after being sent to and thro I eventually located him. I was informed that Dr C was busy inserting the line and I could see him as soon as Dr C was finished. After waiting in the waiting area for a while, I became worried and went to enquire if it would still take long. The sister told me that they were just taking a X-ray to check the line and then I could see him. While I was waiting the sister in charge of the Cardiac Care Unit at Milpark came to talk to me. Sister Elize explained that Kallie was extremely tired and battling to breathe and that they were going to put him on a ventilator to help him breathe so that he would be more comfortable. The next minute things went crazy. I heard a nurse answer the telephone at the nursing station where I was sitting, saying that she couldn’t speak as they had a crisis and were resuscitating a patient. I walked out to call my sister-in-law to tell her that they were placing Kallie on a ventilator. I was still talking to Carlien when one of the sisters came to call me. Dr C wanted to speak to me. He said that he didn’t think Kallie was going to make it. I felt numb and in a total state of disbelief. Somehow my brain just couldn’t process this information. A part of me still believed that someone was going to appear from behind the blue curtains any minute saying I could come and see him. I was standing there in a daze when Dr C stepped out from behind the curtain and told me that it was over.
There are often still times when everything feels like a bad dream from which I am going to wake up any minute. My logical, practical side has kicked in. I spent the whole afternoon making arrangement and talking to what felt like a million people.

At the beginning of the week my dear friend Sam forwarded an e-mail to me that touched me and changed me in a profound manner. I have asked the author’s permission to publish it on my blog and she has graciously agreed. Hers is story of “Beauty from ashes …” and it is the prayer of my heart that her testimony will also touch and enrich your lives and touch your hearts, giving us all the tender and receptive hearts God promises in Ezekiel 36:26.

One of the many things in her mail that really spoke to me, was her statement that she and her husband made a decision “to become BETTER people not BITTER people” when they lost their 11 day old baby boy about six months ago. The prayer of my heart is that God will use this sorrowful time in my life to also make me a BETTER person, to give me a new heart so that six months from now my testimony of God’s goodness and grace will be an encouragement to others. Please carry me in your prayers.